Descendance

I feel myself slipping.  I take medicines to alleviate the spiral down.  I have renewed skills in putting on the happy face…outside.  When I get home, I just want to be in bed.  It is not fair to my family.  It is not me, in the normal sense.  It is not fair or right for so many reasons.  But I cannot stop.

I really wish that I had actually gone through the grief 30 years ago!  So much was changing at that time though, I just could not deal with a devastating loss.  I buried it too well.  Now I feel pathetic for failing to deal with it when I should have, on top of the grief.

I have read so much on death and grieving that new articles that I come across are not new…just rehashes.  People get through it.  It is TOUGH, but they generally manage, emerge on an other side.  Changed, different perhaps, but they emerge.  I am not emerging.

I read stories of people that are able to dream of the person they lost.  I read stories of people that get signs from their loved ones.  Stories of going to medium’s and having the person’s spirit actually communicate with them.  The notion that the longer the time from death, the harder, the more energy it takes to communicate.  I find myself wishing I was haunted.  Was I?  Did I completely miss the signs?  Did Jen put Tammy in my life?  Has it been so long that the connection is now too difficult?  Am I too far down on the list, reaching out to family, or other friends, is more important given the energy needed?  Is it all bullshit from a wanting mind???

How does one achieve a level ‘better’ than 99% of the world’s population and still feel like a failure?  Does everyone feel worse than me?  How do they continue?  How does Joy get strung together long enough to be happiness?  I read that the key is relationships, and not necessarily a multitude, but quality relationships.  Luckily that plays easier to my personality, but what is the point when people die?  One relationship can never (and I do not expect it to) replace another, but the loss of the deeper relationships is so monumental.

Alone…How does someone in a city of 5-6 million, working in a large company, feel alone?  But it is not a recent phenomenon.  I remember feeling alone as a kid growing up.  I was never particularly outgoing, so that never helped.  I was an only child, whose parents went through divorce, and both had to work.  Pre-smartphones and video games.  I played board games by myself.  We moved frequently…starting over in schools, amongst friend groups that already existed.

Some of my most impacting revelations of lonesomeness happened around the same time as Jennifer’s accident.  Leaving my high school graduation ceremony.  Seeing everyone scatter to their different parties and family commitments afterward.  I had a party waiting at the house myself, should have been excited to get going to it, but find myself standing in the parking lot wondering what the fuck?  Alone.  Going to Kansas State after the good friend that I was supposed to room with decided to bail on college the week before starting.  Being reassigned to a room in the basement with no A/C and a farm kid that I had nothing in common with.  Alone.  Going to a movie that first semester, alone.  Then cut off from Jennifer.  No connection to her world.  Too frightened to reach out.

Others feel this lonesomeness.  I have seen it firsthand.  The first time it really appeared to me was that first semester of college.  Walking in between classes, hearing someone call out my name.  Turning to see one of my high school’s cheerleaders coming to talk to me.  Why?  We have never spoken before.  Alone.  Desiring connection to the known, the past, the familiar.  If lonesomeness is so common, and so debilitating, why do we allow it to surface?  Why do we put up with it?

I can never replace the relationship that I had with Jennifer, I get that, but why do I miss it so much?  

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Here Comes a Large Wave

Wow, look how long is has been! I originally planned to share some thoughts, ideas, or things learned on a weekly basis. Nuggets of wisdom that I could pass on in my feeble and self-sycophantic attempt to improve the lives of others. Of course, all of this transfer of knowledge while remaining rather anonymous. On a side note, that is what “Lost in the Cracks” was supposed to be, the title of my version of the great American novel that would impart some sort of profound revelation to the readers through a carefully crafted novel that has yet to get off the ground…generally because I do not know the lesson that I want to flesh-out. However, being profound is not all that easy. (Shocking, huh?) I did not want to force the content, as it would come off as fake. I did not want to publish some vapid rambling (i.e. “I ran around the block today…and it was hot!”). Who really cares? Besides, with my likely audience of 3 people, I feel that it is better to build up the anticipation from lack of posting than to drive you away with boredom.

But ultimately, I am finding that the spirit of what I want to post and contribute is the culmination of some very (for me) distressing times. The repeating pattern seems to be shaping up as such: Something starts to nag or grate on me, it may even be subconsciously, which makes it even more fun, as I become an emotional freak-show and do not even understand why. I start to lose sleep, adopting an insomniac pattern, where I even lie in bed and just cannot get to sleep. Sometimes I can use this insomnia beneficially, and get things done with these ‘extra hours’. Sometimes that helps and then some sort of bizarre normal course resumes and the crisis-point is averted. Other times, where these great lessons emerge, the insomnia just wears on me, to the point of inducing hyper-emotionality and a ‘different’ level of consciousness. This is beyond the standard laughing silliness or spring-loaded anger that is typical from lack of sleep. It is hard to describe, but it feels like a series of events and concerns that just pile up until I am completely overwhelmed and then finally, collectively, breaks the spirit. Not having been through it, I caution to make the comparison, but it seems like the breakdown process that would happen in military basic training. Maybe I am just too stubborn in my ways and resist changing a course that I am taking until it hurts so much in continuing that I have to change to a different way just to continue in a sane fashion…All of this compounded by having my wife and kids not understanding what is going on with me and not being able to explain it to them myself. Am I protecting them by not sharing during these difficult times, or am I denying them the opportunity to help me, to learn both the lesson that I am learning as well as and deeper and more intimate knowledge about me? The question almost seems silly when I write it down, but the frustration from not understanding what I am going through or being able to offer guidance as to what I need or what will help is very real and debilitating!

The cool part is that as I emerge I tend to have found some nugget of wisdom or change in my ways that in hindsight is better (and why did it take so long to figure out?). The frustrating side is that it is neither a fast process, nor one that I understand in the beginning (or middle) phases. Both issues, patience and uncertainty or ‘greyness’ (and just now, during this writing, adding relationships to the mix, never a real strong area of mine) are ones that I need to get better with so that I can start figuring this stuff out without the intense pain that I am putting myself through.

So, to quickly get to the point, the past couple of months have been building on my roller-coaster pattern. The intensity has stepped up a bit over the past couple weeks, and the recording of the crazy ride will be coming soon. As I have somewhat hinted at above, this time there seems to be a multiplicity of issues. A path of judgments and observations (and their interdependence), a path of spirituality (and those that know me as a recovering Catholic, I can feel your questioning eyes already!), and a path of relationships (perhaps with God and fellow man).

Usually I feel better when I start writing this stuff down, I even learn from it as I write it. While I truly believe that some cool things are coming, this time, I have a feeling that I have a lot of writing ahead of me…here comes a large wave…

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