Meeting the Family

The meet-up happened!  

Of course, it went even better than I expected.  Intellectually, I knew it would.  Emotionally, I was shaking in my boots.  Jennifer’s sister has always been incredibly open, warm, encouraging, and welcoming.  There was no reason to expect any different.  However, I did start to experience Dallas’ devious (in a fun way) nature.  She mentioned that she had invited her Mom to the meet-up, and had let me know.  Honestly, that made me nervous.  As I mentioned in the last entry, I had not had direct interactions with her…ever.  Not sure how to adequately describe the nervousness.  It was not fear, I didn’t think she was going to yell at me or anything like that.  Perhaps it was the 30+ years of hard-wiring in my head to not cause harm, hurt, or emotional distress on Jen’s parents; they had their child stolen away and I can not imagine a greater hurt.  We enter the cemetery and navigate towards the area where Jennifer is.  There are 3 cars and 5 ladies waiting for us!  Her sister invited her aunts too!  Another car with an aunt and uncle rolls up as we are exiting our vehicle.  A half-circle of family forms around me, with my daughter abandoning me off to the side.  A video call was added to include another aunt!  A round of “Hi”s and introductions and then straight to the meat of the discussion…Who are you and how did you know Jennifer?  They want the details!  Wow!  Stress…

In all fairness, they were extremely nice and welcoming, even from the start.  Dallas (Jennifer’s Sister) confessed that she could sense my nervousness, so she just omitted the fact (playfully and deviously) that all of the family was coming.  Was probably a smart move on her part!  As the story unfolds, due to the ages of all of the aunts (being younger sisters of Jen’s Mom), they were like big sisters to Jennifer and had a tight connection.  After the accident, they stepped in and were active in helping raising Jennifer’s two (much) younger sisters.  They were very ingrained into the family, before and after.  Through the three hours we ultimately spent together, you could tell that they were closer than what I would describe as a typical Aunt-Niece relationship.

I start off with how we met, and how the relationship formed.  The endless hours on the phone together (their memories begin the endless agreements of recollection) and the dynamic of how our relationship was a connection of just us, the single point of connection of our social circles.  The phone leads to memories of other items in her room, the Hard Rock Teddy Bear that I had given her comes up.  I offer the back story of this item, how it was the only souvenir that I had returned from New York City with.  The desire, even deterministic expectation, that she would become the first woman president.  Inside, I start to feel relief.  A long-standing question in my mind, was this a far-flung whimsy that was only shared with me, or something that she believed, even was working towards?  Confirmation that this was discussed with everyone else elevates it from flight of fancy to a key mechanism in who she was.  It also starts the confirmation process in my mind that I did actual know her.  Silly, perhaps, but after this many years of only telling stories to people that had not met her, my own mind has beaten me up with the possibility that I did not even know the Real Jennifer.

I mention that the forcefulness of some of her demands still compel me not to participate in certain activities.  They demand to know more, what activities?  It gets tricky.  These are people that I have just met.  People that are held in high regard in my eyes.  I do not want to let them down, but I also do not want to dive into more deviant and illegal activities, for fear of judgement.  I try to dodge, but ultimately am coerced into spilling the beans.  LSD.  Jen was adamant that I never take acid.  She had mentioned some stories about it staying in your system and causing permanent craziness.  I thought that it was horseshit, but at the time, she was so forceful, so insistent, that I did not press the issue too far or too long.  They all started nodding in agreement and understanding, she had a cousin that this did in fact happen to, so the fear she had was very much close to their family.  New (more complete) information.  More stories are exchanged.  Laughter.  Tears.  Hugs.

I bring up the encounter with the medium.  Figure that if I haven’t shocked them with the LSD story, then anything is fair game.  They are surprisingly onboard.  I tell of the shifts in thinking that the medium had suggested, that I might need to forgive Jennifer for walking across the Rainbow Bridge, and that meeting my wife so shortly after was a gift from Jennifer.  They seemed to understand the forgiveness angle (and had likely had to travel that path themselves).  They all liked, and latched on to, the idea of the gift.  I filled in details surrounding meeting my wife and how my thoughts of it happening because of the accident had caused serious conflict within me.  The idea of a gift was ratified.

As we move through the various stories and comparing notes, I get to the single date that we had.  WHAT?!?  These ladies we are new to me, so I wasn’t quite sure on the facial expressions and body language, but there seemed to be some shock (and perhaps delight from her sister).  Later texts with Dallas seemed to confirm my read of the situation.  Apparently, Jennifer never told her parents she was going on a date.  Out with friends perhaps, or whatever else a teenager can conjure up to get out of the house with minimal parental resistance.  I do seem to recall that when I arrived that Jennifer bolted out the house door and into the vehicle.  I didn’t think anything of it at the time, why would I?  She was in my car and I was happy with that.  So, as I let this story unfold, I see her Mom’s face, a combination of confusion, wonder, and shock.  As I look around, Dallas seems almost giddy.  This is the first sign of ‘non-typical’ emotion for this kind of meeting.  I hurry through, brain still hard-wired to do no harm.  Follow-up texts with Dallas, that were about other specifics, and she confirms that her parents had no idea that Jen was going on a date, and Dallas was somewhat happy that her sister was able to pull off some ‘standard’ teenage rebellion tactics and enjoy some of the rights of passage that teens navigate.  More stories are bounced back and forth.  Laughter.  Tears.  Hugs.

I had stopped at the grocery store on the way and purchased a few roses, a white one that I had given her Mother upon meeting, a yellow one, given to Dallas upon arrival, and a red one for Jen’s tombstone.  All through these stories, the red one is my shield.  I am waving it around as an extension of my arm when talking and grasping it with both hands when listening, its thorns pricking me as a reminder to place it.  I suggest it is time to place the rose and we all begin to move towards the grave.  It is a location that I could pinpoint on a map, point to from 30,000 feet above, but as I turn to go there, I am lost, wandering.  Dallas points me in the right direction.  The mass of people divides into two groups, one with me, one with my daughter.  I can only imagine that they are peppering her with questions to understand me, or our family better.

Aunt Patty is the main person around me.  We talk through a multitude of stories, some off topic (of Jen specifically), but still therapeutic.  We stumble back to the medium and belief in their abilities to connect.  She talks about ‘gifts’ left behind by those that walk the Rainbow Bridge (my term).  I share the thought that Jen leaves dimes for me to find in some of the most random locations.  It feels like she is saying “Hi”, or sometimes scolding me even.  Whenever I find one on the ground somewhere, I stop to pick it up and reply back “Hi Jen”.

Aunt Patty mentions that she spends no time at the grave-sites of those she has lost, until today.  It is just too hard.  Yet we are close to three hours in.  She mentions that this meeting has been very therapeutic, even cleansing.  I feel happy that I could help get her to this point.  The two groups regather as one as she is saying goodbyes.  Somehow we get on the topic of talking about doing things and then never getting around to actually doing them.  This sparks the memories of talking about skydiving with Jennifer.  Some of the family had gone skydiving.  I share stories about how Jennifer and I would talk at length about jumping.  We were locked in, we were going to go after she turned 18 and didn’t need the parental waiver, or just a general rule of the diving school for no one under 18.  That these were plans that never had the opportunity to be completed.  That life happens after we make grand plans.  And that I did jump twice, one for each of us.

The sun is going down (are we going to be locked in the cemetery?).  We say our goodbyes and leave.  My daughter and I still have about an hour drive to Kansas City for our hotel.  After we exit the Turnpike, our hotel is on a street off to the left.  I miss the turn.  Looking down the road a little, I see a QuikTrip.  Good!  I can stop there and get a soda for the night and then we can turn around to get on the correct side road.  Walking out of the QuikTrip, there is a dime on the ground…Yeah, it was a good meetup, Jen.

In the days/weeks following the get together, I am surprised how my thoughts and feelings are seeming to shift.  If I start to think about Jennifer now, sure, there is still some sadness that she is not alive, but it is no longer the soul-crushing grief that it used to be.  There is a growing acceptance, even smiles at the good memories and the reaffirmation that I knew her.  Who would have guessed that, even after 30+ years, meeting with her family was ultimately what I would have needed to get over it.  I feel silly at the simplicity…

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Upcoming - Meeting Jennifer's Family…Very Nervous

So fast forward to mid-2020.  Dreams with Jennifer still occur, at an approximate monthly rate.  The emotional impact is not as debilitating as in previous months.  There is still this nagging notion that there is a message that needs to be transferred.  Still don't know what the message is or if I am delivering or receiving the message, just that there is a message.  Then it happens that I have an excuse to go through Topeka, to possibly meet Jennifer’s sister.  In our last conversations, she mentioned that if I ever came through town to give her a shout.

Backstory – ‘Therapy’ Generates New Perspectives

A couple months ago, I went for a massage.  My back had been hurting and I needed more than just the pills.  The masseuse also happened to be a medium (able to talk to spirits).  Conversation bounced around a little and then Jennifer came up.  The medium gave me a couple of interesting nuggets to chew upon.

At first the topic of forgiveness came up.  I am thinking, “Yes, I have heard this all before.”  But I didn’t feel the need for forgiveness…I didn’t cause the accident, I wasn’t there, couldn’t have done something different to prevent it…I am not asking for forgiveness.  The medium, innocently, asked, “What about forgiving her for the accident?”  WOW!  Such a simple shift of perspective.  So simple, but it has eluded me for so long.  Definitely an angle that needs exploration but has the potential to be very liberating.  I am working through this currently.  How to forgive in general, how to forgive someone that is no longer here, how to forgive such a big event.

The next nugget was the medium saying that meeting Tammy (my wife, we met very shortly after Jen’s accident) was a gift from Jennifer.  Again, mind blown.  I have spent years almost feeling guilty that Tammy, my family, and all the good and joy from family would have never happened without the accident.  Feeling guilty that the accident had to occur for all the beginning events in my family to fall into place.  That I am benefiting from enormous joy and good fortune from such a horrific event.  This simple shift in thinking explains (and better) that there is no need to feel guilty.  As a gift from Jennifer, it feels like she is reaching out to take care of me and make sure I can navigate life fully.  A life altering gift that can never be repaid.

Backstory – Reason for the Trip

My daughter has turned 16, driver’s license time, and purchasing a car.  She knows that I used to race (mostly autocross) and tend towards the extreme speed side of the equation on the highways.  It has her interest piqued.  She desires to know how to drive, yes, but even more the speed bug is surfacing.  She wants to race, or at least autocross.  She is excited at the notion of rebuilding my race car and get it back on the track.  I think that she envisions herself in that driver’s seat too, despite having purchased a sports car herself.  She has just the right amount of crazy in her personality to get to the razor’s edge.  I have noticed early enough to bang into her head the mantra that speed, racing, ‘craziness’ in a car is fine in CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENTS…the track, with safety equipment, like minded drivers that are more predictable (less likely to brake check you out of mindless spite, etc.), room for mistakes, and have limited participants.  I have started looking for drivers’ events to get her experience and training in car control at the extreme limits.  Typically focused towards younger drivers and teaching what messing up feels like but in an environment that allows those mistakes to happen and what to do to correct the situations.  I have explained these events as prerequisite courses to the actual autocross classes that will follow.

Setting Up the Meeting

A spot in one of these prerequisite classes opens up in Kansas City.  We will be going right past Topeka, so why not stop for a quick grave site visit?  I text Jen’s sister, letting her know that we will be stopping by, did she want to meet up for a quick visit?  She seems enthusiastic about the opportunity.  She invites her Mom!  So nervous!

Not afraid, just nervous.  My mind has been hard wired (and maybe incorrectly) for so long to 'Do No Harm' in regards to this family (from a position of respect and reverence), and if I even thought something could cause pain then don't do it, combined with my embarrassment of handling it incorrectly in just about every way.  I admit, it is strange that someone connected to Jen, but basically unknown to the family, would come out of the shadows so many years later.  Jennifer’s sister has been very welcoming in our conversations over the past couple years, but my interactions with the rest of the family have still been very closed off.  Scared and embarrassed by the way I handled it, and for so long.  Meeting ‘Mom’ just feels like I am going to have to deal with, explain, all of the mistakes and the ways I reacted.  My actions (or inactions, as it were) were made with intentions of good or at least to minimize emotional hurt.  It is just that they were not necessarily the right actions, very isolating, and missed the target of healing.

So, meeting the family tomorrow…all evidence from previous conversations suggest that this will be a wonderful adventure.  Perhaps even healing.  So why am I so nervous?  Am I (purposefully) picking at the scab of a wound that just will not heal?  Sometimes I think that the concept of phantom limb pain explains it well.  It hurts, but I don't want to take pills to make the pain to away.  The limb is gone, but there is such a desire for it to be present that even a sensation of pain where the missing limb is supposed to be is welcomed, wanted.  Tomorrow will tell.

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Thailand Mission Trip

Yes, it has been a while since this trip actually occurred, but Compass Church is gearing up for another trip to Thailand in the summer of 2019.  Got me thinking about the last one and thought I would finally post my notes from the 2017 trip.

Community of Blessing

Medical Mission

Chaing Mai, Thailand 

Dec 30, 2016 (I think)

Arrived last night in Chaing Mai.  It was too late and dark to be able to see much,  temperature was about 72 degrees (lovely, but muggy).  The plane rides has significant turbulence and were soooo long.  On the first leg, I watched five movies during the first half (Suicide Squad, Finding Dory, Nerve, The Secret Life of Pets, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest).  Listened to music and napped on the second half (surprisingly, I liked Ariana Grande and Demi Lovato's newest albums).  On the ride to the university, noticed several familiar Western sites...KFC, McDonalds, and a 7-Eleven on every corner.  Greeted by staff and students with a flower necklace and for some reason it was more special than the tourist-y Hawaiian necklace that is given on island vacations.  We got a quick tour of the facility and began to unpack.  The new mattresses were hard as concrete, but glad for a pillow.  Somehow, I fell asleep quickly.  Fairly quiet, but awakened at 6am by crows from roosters and a disturbed cat.  Figured it was a good time to shower before everyone woke.  Forgot soap!

Today will start orientation and training. Shouldn't be too stressful.

Dec 30, 2106

Evening

Went over to the new campus property to see the school facilities that have been recently built and the bulk over the training was conducted over there.  Nice facility, constructed with significant quantities of local bamboo.

Carmen, one of the Thailand Mission leaders, mentioned that this trip was significant because of the size of the group, but also because one of the villages that we were going to this year was a village that the Mission Founder started a church plant and ran the church for about 3 years, in the sixties.  After that time the village leadership turned more hostile to the Christian faith and ultimately arrested and tried the founder.  He was kicked out and the church had to be abandoned.  Fast forward to last year, as a new generation has risen in leadership ranks, the village leader comes to see what the mission team is doing in a neighboring village.  He is so impressed that he specifically invites the mission to come back to this original village at the next opportunity, so the message of Christ can be heard again in this area to this new generation and help can be given to those that live there.

In the morning, I found out that I, along with most of the guys, was assigned to the construction crew.  I talked with the group leader and explained that with the back surgery and 10 years of industry experience that I would likely be more effective in the pharmacy role.  It didn't hurt that when describing each of the functional areas she mentioned that the pharmacy area tends to get backed up and somewhat overwhelmed.  She was very understanding with regard to the surgery limitations and willingly agreed, even suggested, that I move to the pharmacy team.  When we get together for the functional training and are introducing ourselves, the main doc that is associated with the mission loved the dermatology bent to my experience.  He also loves to use the mission efforts to get people to come out of their comfort zone, believe in their abilities, and hopefully learn and be able to grow and use the experience in future missions (he is a board certified doc in ER and family practice and he is trying to grow and learn the dentistry side of the mission).  We can use the lack of government regulation to grow and explore these roles with decision making responsibilities, but not for the specific intent to run over the rules.  Instead we are there to supplement the existing health structure in place for the (often) marginalized people.  Toward the end of his presentation he even specifically asks if I was going to run the pharmacy efforts.  So I went from construction crew to 'in charge' of the pharmacy within a couple hours...Crazy, but a challenge that I am loving tackling.

We spent the rest of the morning sorting and inventorying that medicines that were on hand and making sure that they had not expired.  In the afternoon session, the task was to get the most common, frequently used medicines and vitamins prepackaged and ready for quick and easy dispensing.  So I was leading a group of 10-12 people in getting these meds broken down from bottles to little packets of 20 tabs.  Honestly, most of my focus was trying to take hurdles out of their path in their individual tasks, opening large bottles and removing the tamper resistant seals, making sure they did not run out of the packets to put them in, cleaning trash and silicone packets out of their workspace, making sure that they had the needed bottles near them, etc.  But there was the occasional question that was asked, like I knew what was going to happen on site.  'Answer with conviction and fix it onsite if it is wrong' served me well, but it was fun to feel like I was leading this team.  Hopefully things go smoothly at the villages and we can make use of the additional practitioners that are available on this larger mission trip.  I definitely do not want to be the bottleneck.

After dinner, several of the students developed a worship service for the group and lead the missioners in singing and prayer.  They did really well, despite feeling nervous.  You can really tell that the notion of stretching yourself and your comfort zone and leadership development are core fundamentals that are taught and encouraged throughout the efforts of the School and Mission work.

That is all for today, tomorrow we load the vans and then have about a six hour ride to where we are headquartered for the next few days.  Going to try to turn in early and beat the jet lag!

Dec 31

Transit day to Pua

Not much mission related for this day, as we were in transit for most of it.  We started the day catching up with family back home, as the new campus has decent wi-fi access.  Got to FaceTime Hailey, Cooper, and Tammy, it was good to see their faces and I miss them much.  They were at the TCU/KU basketball game, I'm hoping KU won.  Then I FaceTimed with my parents and caught them up with what was going on.  I was able to show them some of the new campus building that we were at and go over upcoming plans.  There was no apparent lag in the video stream, which was surprising considering we are literally half way around the world.  The ability to video chat through today's technology is super cool.  Before the kiddos came along, I remember traveling internationally and we would just go off the grid for that period of time.

The trip to the 'resort' that we are based out of for the next few days took about 7 hours to reach.  The route there was very strange, as we went significantly south and then turned north as we eventually drifted eastward.  I am assuming that this was more a function of geography rather than purposeful sightseeing of the countryside.  In general, the drive is smooth, mostly four lane highway or major thoroughfares between towns and cities, with an occasional pinch point in a couple smaller villages.  Saw a couple of very large and ornate Buddha statues along the highway, hopefully I can have the camera better prepped for pics on the return to the college in Chaing Mai.

Some more general observations of this area of Thailand...even now in the 'cool season', it is very lush and green with heavy vegetation all around.  There is a sense of poverty, but it does not feel oppressive.  Like it is there but they just accept and keep on being.  Safety has not felt to be in jeopardy in all the places that we have been in.  Nothing like the more oppressive version of poverty that presents in Central and South American areas.  Perhaps it is more cultural and/or more hopeful, and it helps that prices in general seem quite low (a 1.25 liter bottle of Coke, two packs of Kleenex, and a bag of hard candies cost me 75 bhat at a 7-Eleven rest area that we stopped at along the way, about $2.10 US).

The other thing that was noticeable was the vehicle population. The cars are set up for right-hand driving, so they drive on the left side of the road.  Some roads are very Western in their feel and others are more stereotypical of third world roads.  Granted there are lots of motorcycles, scooters, and bicycles, but some of the roadways are very narrow.  If I had my truck on them another car could not pass coming the opposite direction.  Composition is mostly Toyota, Honda, Mitsubishi, and Isuzu.  There is an occasional Benz or BMW and then a Ford Ranger truck or Jeep CJ will make a rare appearance.  No GM's.  Not sure if it is a right hand drive issue...There are more cars than I expected, but (at least in these areas that are less populated) we have not really run into traffic issues.

Jan 1, 2017

Today is the first day of our clinic operations.  Everyone is excited.  The day started out cloudy and humid and progressed into light rain through most of the day.  We had about a 15 minute drive to the construction team site.  It was at a church where they were needing an additional building.  Some children arrived for a church service while we were there and we got to see them and the college students interacting with them.  You could tell that they had been there before, as there were a lot of hugs and happy smiles.

After that stop we loaded back up in the vans and began a 30 minute ride up the mountains, with lots of ups and downs and twists and turns.  The road was recently put in and it was a journey with incredible beauty and forestry.  There was one section of the road that you would swear was modeled from the corkscrew at Laguna Seca.  It would have been a real joy to drive that road in a Corvette.

When we arrived at the village they has us go up a very steep hill and set up shop in an elementary school.  The medical folks set up in one classroom and we set up pharmacy in the next classroom.  Dental was down at the end of the class building in what looked to be a chapel type of area.  Setup went fairly smoothly, I got the various medicines organized by class of drug and we went over some of the instructions from the mission leader with the translator that was assigned to pharmacy.  Our team comprised of the student translator, Uuan, two other older ladies, Jessica and Barb that worked in a diagnostic lab, and myself.  Got the ladies setup to receive the Rx's, prep the bags the medicine would go into and write down the number of pills to take and times per day.  I would pull the medicines and talk with the docs on more complex requests.  The crowds were a little lighter than expected, likely due to the weather issues, but that allowed us to find our rhythm and work out kinks in the processes, as well as being able to spend more time with the translator to make sure that instructions were well understood for the various medicines.  There had been mention of one of the drugs used to treat impetigo and I asked Dr. Ken (the head doc for the mission) if we would see any cases, and if we did if he could come get me to see it.  We had a drug at Galderma that was in development for impetigo and thought it would be cool to see the condition first hand.  No impetigo showed up, but we did have one dermatology patient come through that he had me examine.  A little eight year old boy with severe dry skin/eczema on the legs and arms and dry skin on the trunk front and back.  Not really sure how it came to be, but we thought it might be caused by bathing in laundry soap.  Dr. Ken had me apply Vaseline to the legs and lotion to the arms and trunk to get some immediate hydration to the skin.  Then set him up with more lotion and Vaseline for the future. Very cool moment for me to be involved in the exam and treatment of this little boy and another example of how these folks take areas of expertise and interest and really get the volunteers involved.

Most the the patients were aches and pains related and were setup with NSAIDs and vitamins.  Again, the goal is to supplement and support the existing medical system more than fixing problems.  Show love and compassion for these people and using the medical clinic as a way to open more doors for the church.  We finished the day with 92 patients that came through.  85 more used the vision services for glasses and dental had 40 that were treated.  Felt like the dental was light, but in talking with Dr Ken on the way back to the hotel, typically they see about 40 dental patients in the entire three days.  Having double the staff of dentists and hygienists really opened the floodgates as far as they were concerned, so very cool.

The fog persisted through the day and into the evening as we left, so the view was very muted, but I think we all left feeling good, smiling, but tired.  When we left the village I had to climb into a different van, as the one I was originally assigned to was the construction group.  There was room in the lead van so I jumped in.  It also had the mission leaders in it, including Dr Ken.  As he got in he slapped my left and told me good job today, which made me feel very satisfied with the day's efforts.

Jan 2, 2017

Day two of the clinics.

It is a much brighter and clearer day today, but 6:30am came early!  Slept pretty soundly despite the rock hard beds.

We had about a 45 minute drive to today's work site.  The views today were even more beautiful than the first day.  It was less mountainous and more agricultural, less ups and downs and more diverse natural beauty.  Along the way we went through a couple of villages with buildings that were more developed. The woodwork and the bamboo exteriors on some of these buildings were amazing and ornate.  As we got closer to what we thought was going to be our destination, we went through a small town and then turned into the police station and provincial government office buildings.  Considering that this is a Buddhist country with no separation of church and state, even I knew that this was a big deal.  The government may not be outwardly hostile to Christianity, but it is typically not friendly either.  As it came to be known later, the recent rains had made some of the roads rougher in passage, so the governmental leaders opened the provincial assembly hall to us and spread the message to all the surrounding villages.  Remarkably good luck, God's deliverance, and/or the reputation of Community of Blessing doing good work and treating people with compassion and love...whatever the reasons, this was a big deal for the mission.

At the beginning, after we got the pharmacy set up, Dr Ken was making the rounds to see if there were any issues or hurdles.  Let him know that we were set and ready and he responded, I knew that you would have it covered.  It was a great shot of confidence for the day to know that he trusted the team and didn't need to worry about pharmacy issues.

The weather was dry (well, no rain and muggy) and the sun was shining so the turnout was expected to be better today, and it was!  Chief complaints were similar to the first day, aches and pains, so lots of NSAIDs and vitamins.  Since this area was more agricultural, there was a greater need for allergy meds as well...we even ran out of our Benadryl 95% through the patient load.  It was heartbreaking to have a couple Rx's at the end that we were unable to provide for.  I brought my bottle of Clobex just in case we ran into a dermatological case that could use a steroid to knock down a flare, and sure enough, we had a 30-something gentleman that presented with some bad eczema flare ups.  Talked with Dr. Ken on the treatment options and mentioned the Clobex.  He okayed using it on the worst section that was on his arm, so I applied it and sent him on the way with lotion and a mid-potency steroid for the ongoing treatment.  We had a man that wanted us to pray for him, so as soon as the translator finished explaining the medicines given, the man, the translator, of of the ladies on the pharmacy team and I all prayed over this man and for the medicines to work on his ailments.  All in all, the medical team served 133 people, vision served 85 (they got a bit backed up from the older population today presenting with more cataracts and other eye issues that made the machine that reads the prescription needed harder to use), and 44 dental patients, including two soldiers that came to check out what was going on.  It was funny, but you could sense the tension when they first arrived, but they were toured around and were pleased with what was happening.  So much so that they sat down for the dental procedures.  So a resoundingly successful day.

Dr. Ken's 23 year old son, Samuel, is on the mission team with us and seems to have an interest in the dentistry part of the clinic.  At the end of the day, he was beaming!  One of the dentists that he has been working with had him start working on the patients.  His second patient, he got to extract a tooth, and on the next patient she let him shave a tooth down that had fractured.  He was quite jazzed to get the opportunity and Dad was proud of him for taking it.

We got everything turned down and packed up in the evening, with an efficiency that made the mission leaders impressed.  They commented how it is usually everyone standing around waiting on Pharmacy to finish, but not so this trip.  Made me feel good that we working well as a team and exceeding their expectations.  We headed back to the hotel and when we got back Dr. Ken said he was going to head up to the pharmacy to get more allergy meds.  I asked if I could tag along to see the pharmacy operations and experience and he said sure, so we headed off with Samuel joining us.  We get to the pharmacy and purchase the allergy meds, 1,000 pills for 90 bhat (less than $3 US)!

From the pharmacy, we headed down the road to a small supermarket in search of lotion and containers for dispensing the lotion.  As we were walking around the aisles an older lady and her 20-something daughter walk by and the Mom starts to talk about the three round eyes and here was a chance to score a husband.  Well, Dr. Ken jumps into the conversation and you could tell they were not expecting us to know what they were saying.  He was jokingly prospecting out Samuel to the mother.  It was a funny moment and we all had a good laugh.  On the way back to the hotel Doc was talking to Samuel about the dental procedures that he had performed and that he was proud of him for seizing the opportunity.  Then we got talking more about derm and my past.  He asked if there was another area that I wanted to check out tomorrow.  I told him that I really liked the pharmacy side and it married well with my interests and experience, but it was another confidence boost that he felt high enough of my abilities to stretch me out in other areas if I wanted as well.

We got back to the hotel and I caught a quick shower and then it was time to eat.  Guess what we had, rice!  Again...And there was some cabbage dish too.  Not sure if there was a meat dish and I had just arrived too late, but there was talk of an ice cream shop down the road, so I just skipped dinner in hopes of a sundae and a Snicker bar from the 7-eleven.  A group of about 10 of us left for the ice cream shop about 7:30 excited for ice cream-y goodness.  The store was closing at 8pm.  When we got there at 7:40, it was already closed and dark.  So much for signs that advertise the closing times.  Headed back to the 7-Eleven for goodies.  Loaded up and there was a street food vendor selling sausages and some sort of meat balls (chicken versions and pork versions).  One of the Compass folks, with the aid of the Australian that could speak some Thai, decided to try a couple of skewers of the balls.  Cooper would have had such a laughing fit with the whole exchange and all of the ball jokes and innuendos that we were going through over the next several minutes.  He let me try one of each of the meatballs and I have to admit that they were tasty, even with the hot sauce that was added.

Back to the hotel room to sleep...Good day!

Jan 3, 2017

Day 3 of the Clinics

This village was more along the lines of what we were expecting!  After we got off the main road, the road was paved but literally on the edge of the mountain and mostly only a lane and a half.  Up and down, twisty and turning doesn't even begin to describe the path.  Dense vegetation covered both sides and at times even darkened the path with overhead cover.  The road quickly turned to concrete and then degraded to rough pocketed concrete.  It as funny, we ran across a couple of potholes and instead of fixing them, thee was just a blue bag of sand or concrete mix laying in the hole.  There were two times that half of the road surface was eroded out from heavy rains.

After about 45 minutes along this trail we came to the village we were to serve.  It comprised two roads that made a T-intersection with a round about at the T.  About 600 people, 140 houses, and 145 were Christian.  We were told by the pastor there that there was a lot of spirit worship that hindered progress in getting people to accept Christ, people worried that if they followed Christ that the spirits would persecute their family.  We began to setup shop at the church at the end of the town.  About 30 minutes into setting up power went out.  There was some worry that we wouldn't be able to do the dental and vision portions as they require power for the machinery.  The teams attached to those areas finished setting up and then blew up gloves into balloons for the children.  About an hour later power was restored to the village and were able to kick it into high gear.  The makeup of the patients was primarily children and older people, perhaps because of the workday calling the middle aged to jobs.  No derm patients today, but there were a couple of sick kids.  One was a three year old that we tried to give a dose of amoxicillin on site and he threw it up right away.  Had to change course and go to a shot...he was not a fan of ours afterwards, but we sent him home with more medicine and hopefully the fever calmed down.  The medical portion had less takers, perhaps 60, on this day.  Largely a function of the remoteness and isolation of this specific village.

As the day wound down for the medical/pharmacy team, I went over to the dental section and helped out with dental procedures by holding a flashlight to help illuminate the mouth.  By this time of the day the movement of the sun had caused the dental area to lose much of their light, so it was helpful.  Between her patients I went down to another dentist and watched a tooth extraction, that was a sight.  Finished lighting one last dental patient and then headed out of town about 0.6km to a small waterfall.  Took some pics and headed back to town to make sure the vans didn't leave without me.  On the way out of town, we stopped at the village coffee roasting business.  Apparently coffee is a major crop in this area.  We toured around and then loaded up on some freshly ground coffee before heading out.  An hour drive back to the hotel.  It was 5pm and I took a shower, got dressed for dinner, and then laid down...that was all she wrote.  I missed dinner and another failed attempt at the ice cream store.  Oh well, 12 hours of sleep was needed more!

On the team debrief it was mentioned by the Mission Leadership that the government officials that had visited made mention of the fact that we were all either wearing black or had a black ribbon pinned to our shirts (in respect for the recently deceased Thai King).  They appreciated the gesture and said that it showed our love for Thailand and its people.  Overall the Clinics ran smoothly and when flexibility was needed it was there and appreciated.  We had experienced a wide cross section of tribes and physical locations and hopefully helped those that we came into contact with.

Jan 4, 2017

The drive back to Chaing Mai

We got up and ate breakfast at the hotel then packed up and headed to the construction site to see their progress and pray with some of the church members there.  After that we loaded up and set off on the 7 hour drive back to Chaing Mai.  Just a long uneventful drive but took in the unique scenery.  Got back to the college and unloaded the vehicles, ate dinner, and then off to bed.

Jan 5, 2017

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Sucked Back Into My Grief Vortex

My grief journey seemed to be stabilizing…I literally went through all the ‘normal’ steps, processes, and feelings again, 30 years after the event, as though I was going through it the first time.  I have mentioned how I stuffed it down, was not able (or willing) to process or adequately deal with it in real time.  Then 30 years go by, a couple of dreams bring the wound to the forefront, and BAM! I am in the thick of it.  In addition to ‘normal’ grieving moments, I also engaged two counselors to help get me through the pain.  One was a more traditional talk-therapy style and the other utilized a more deliberate methodology of EMDR (which is firmly rooted in the PTSD recovery space).  The EMDR seemed better of the two.  As I said, I went through steps and stages.  Things settled down.  Time elapsed between thoughts of Jen, increasing from minutes to hours to days.  I felt that I was recovering.  Not so much a problem solved, but was accepting that the world was different now and that was the world that I live in.  A little over a year has transpired.

Then the dreams began anew…A couple weeks ago, I am dreaming that Tom (one of my best friends), my Dad, and I, are at a Kansas City Royals game.  It is a very different stadium layout than the actual Kaufmann stadium, and very cool.  We have access to some ‘VIP’ areas for some reason and are popping all around the ball park during the game.  Interestingly, the Royals were losing to the Mets 15-8 at the middle of the ninth inning, but, for some reason, elected not to play the last half inning.  It was a back and forth affair in the early innings, but it just ended.  Somewhat stunned, we left the ball park and were heading into the parking garage, which was a deep cylindrical shaped parking structure that was not well laid out for a mass of people leaving at once.  As we head into the garage to get to our car, I hear a gal bitching in the passenger seat of a car that we are walking by, “Christ, it takes three hours to get out of a parking lot from a game that only lasts two and a half hours.”  I said something snarky out loud, not to her necessarily, but just out loud.  The girl addresses me by name and says, “Just you wait until you have to go through this mess!”  I look over at the car these girls were in and, while not necessarily remembering it, it was familiar.  I looked at the license plate and it too was familiar.  The traffic eases and the car starts to drive off and I recognize the back of Jen’s head, her hair, she’s driving!  I start running after the car and actually catch up to it about half a block down the road.  They invite me to get in for a ride home, which I was in the process of accepting when I woke up.

Some interesting takeaways from the dream were that I never actually saw Jen’s face, but knew it was her.  The car and license plate were recognized as hers, but were not like her real life versions.  I have no idea who was actually in the passenger seat.  And most surprising for me, there was not this overpowering sense of sadness, loss.  I can remember puzzlement, and some desperation in catching up to her, wanting to tell her something so badly.  But not grief, as it were.

So, I let it simmer a while.  Not sure what to do with it.  It has been a little while since I had thought of her consciously, a few days at least.  No more frequently than the couple months proceeding the dream.  So why (or how) does she appear, and in a cameo role?  Like I said, it was more puzzling than anything.  Talking through it with a friend, the possibility was offered that my mind was starting to set her free.  That I was okay with (or least accepting of) reality.  My first thought was maybe true.  However, something with that explanation didn’t seem to explain my feelings either.  I was very determined to catch up to the car.  Something not complete…

A few days after this, another dream occurs.  This time Jen is not in it, but is still a central character.  A father figure of Jen’s comes over to my house.  For some reason, I know it is not her father, but filling the role of a father nonetheless (later noodling in my head produces the possibility of it being God).  He is talking about how good Jen is, how it is going to take a person of significant moral character and purity to interact with her, in any way.  I find myself trying to give examples of how I am a quality person, composed of goodness (or at least good actions and motives).  It is a very bizarre verbal dance where neither of us are saying exactly what we are explicitly talking about, just dancing around each others’ labyrinth of language.  Later there is a large group of us going out to an amusement park.  There are many of my own friends and family as well as Jennifer’s friends and family.  I locate a (somewhat) distant cousin of hers.  Not sure how I know this information, but I stop him as we are entering the entrance gates.  I ask him to relay a message to Jen for me.  He declines.  I beg!  Please, I need to speak to her!  He is waffling.  He is not sure if this is something that he should be involved with.  I get the sense that he believes that the Father-Figure would not be pleased.  At least ask her to call me!  Please?!  I get a begrudging okay, the kind that you agree to when you just want someone to leave you alone, but may not be all that willing to follow through with.  I wake up.

What the hell?!?!  What am I so convinced that I need to talk to her about?  It is not a consciously known question or conversation.  I was supposed to be on the healing side of this event.

I start to look up some webpages on contacting deceased people, through dreams, through spirit guides, through any means.  I know that I want to talk to her…Why is a bit more nebulous.  I read through many webpages on how to connect, cross-over, invoke the spirits of loved ones.  I figure I will give it a try.  One of the recurring themes seems similar to meditation, right before going to sleep.  Get comfortable and relaxed.  Visualize the person that you want to contact.  Invite them to come to you in the dream.  Not a summoning, by any means, but a call out to them saying that you wish to talk, to see them, that it will be welcomed and wanted.  So, I start this process…Jen, please come into my dreams tonight.  I really want to talk to you.

AARGHHH!  I awake the next morning, frustrated!  I spent what felt like two to three hours on a park bench, talking to Jennifer Aniston.  While normally this might not be an unwelcomed task, it missed the mark this go around.  It felt like Jen was giggling in the background too.  (Jennifer Aniston is quite chatty if you ever run into her in your dreams.)  Very funny, Ha Ha Ha.

The next day, I spend more time reading pages on how to connect with the spirit world.  More of the same directions, very mediation-like.  Run across one medium that suggested a “Fake-It-Til-You-Make-It” approach is a viable option too.  Great.  So not only am I going batshit crazy, I plan on faking batshit crazy until I can achieve batshit crazy.  Wonderful.  But I still try.

The next night arrives.  I get comfortable in bed.  Try to slow my body processes down.  Ask Jen (Anderson specifically) to join me.  I want to talk to her.  I lay there, still, eyes closed.  I visualize myself leaving my body, floating near the ceiling looking down at myself.  I takes a while to pull off, but I get there.  Then slowly, rising through the roof, outside the house, floating upwards while watching downward, concentrating on the home below getting smaller and smaller.  I reach a point that I would describe as low-Earth orbit.  I see the land below, I am just floating there.  I have expended considerable energy getting here.  Is it just wishful thinking?  Am I just imagining?  Then slowly, I turn.  Not upwards, and in no direction that I can explain.  I am no longer in control, just a passenger.  The change of direction feels like a Rubix cube being turned to solve.  The Earth is not ‘below’ me any longer, but I sense that I am further away from it in some regard.  I get the sense that I am speeding up, but have no concept of where I am, or where I am going.  The next thing that I notice is that I am at a building site, not of a building, per se, but more like the edge of a city that is completely under construction.  Not sure how I transitioned from floating in ‘space’ to this place, with a light brown dirt ground.  I see construction activities all around, in various phases of completeness.  Most noticeable, as I am on the outskirts of this ‘city’, is the concrete footers that have been poured, for what I assume to be meant to be a city wall. There are lots of people buzzing about, doing their work.  I ask, where am I.  The question is met with smiles, sincere, but not exactly an answer.  Like I should know, bless my heart.  While entry into the ‘city’ is not specifically prevented by the construction, the footer tops are barely above ground, I look for a more defined entrance.  As I walk through the gates I ask again, what is going on?  Someone answers that this is heaven.  That it is being built.  As souls arrive, they represent another stone towards the completion of the majestic city.  (As a side note, considering the number of people that have passed in human history and the completion level of the city’s construction, it will be quite a while before Armageddon arrives…assuming the city needs to be complete as the kick off point for the End of Days.)  I continue to walk through the low, partially formed gates, down this entrance avenue.  More people buzzing about, tending to their tasks.  I look forward down the road, and there is Jen standing there with a startled look on her face.  She smiles and starts towards me, calling my name.  The tone sounds a little surprised, but more so excited and glad to see me.  She reaches out and grabs my hand, as if to drag me around and show me the sites.  As her hand grasps mine, I feel an immense, incredible energy.  Not like lightning or electricity, not sharp or buzzing, but warm, inviting, enveloping…pure.  It looked like a small, slow-motion explosion where she grabbed my hand, but with no harmful explosion-like effects.  It startles me!  I was not expecting this feeling, and I draw back, unsure if this energy will harm or consume me.  Very surprised.  The surprised feeling is so great that it shocks me back to being awake.  SHIT!  Gone…

So, I lie here with so many more questions.  Did I make all of this up?  Was my mind just exploring a fantasy, vividly?  Did I want this so much that I made it occur?  Supplemented with too many accounts from others that I have read about.  Did these stories blend together to create the vision that I just witnessed/conjured?  I am not aware of, and do not think that, I was exposed to any notions of heaven being under construction prior to this.  No specific recollection of explosions when you touch a spirit.  And the transition from floating in near-space to what followed was like nothing that I can remember in stories of heavenly journeys.  (It was super cool nonetheless.  The only thing that I can guess towards would be the visualization of interacting with a fourth-dimension.  How my mind could not process the experience in a way that made sense, but the extra-dimensional movement was still occurring.)

On the flip side of the coin, while suspending all that I know to be real and true…What if the experience was real?  What if the ability to separate the conscious from the physical body could (did) occur?  Did I really get to travel via an additional dimension to Heaven?  Did I really encounter Jen?  Did I freak her out, or disappoint her, by exiting so abruptly?  Does she think that I fear her, or heaven, or the journey?  Was I even ‘allowed’ to make this type of journey?  Am I in trouble for it?  Is she?  Will this make further contact harder?

And stepping back, looking at the grander scheme of things, what does this do for my mental health or grief journey?  I find myself writing this down, in hopes of getting it out off my head for one, but more so because I don’t feel that I can discuss it with anyone.  Friends that know what I have been going through in the past year are wonderfully accepting, but the experience has been progressive towards healing and acceptance.  Does their patience have a limit, and have I officially crossed it by regressing into the grief cycle again?  Bringing in new folks to hear of the story feels laborious, plus all the standard hurdles of this happened 30+ years ago.  Sheesh, Get over it!  At what point does everyone say enough is enough?  When does Tammy’s tolerance cease???  It feels very isolating.  I want to tell the story!  (Or is it more correct to say that I want a story that can be told?)  There are some very cool experiences within.  But is it all just fiction…with a plotline of grief and not being able to overcome it?  Why am I so axle-wrapped on this???  I know that the accident happened.  I know that cannot change.  I have a good life, why do I want to fuck it up with this frivolous fantasy?  Why can’t I let it go?  Hell, I don’t even know what it is that I want to talk to Jen about.  And would it even change anything?  Why does she keep reappearing in my dreams?  Why will my mind not just put it to rest and get on with existing???  I feel stuck…stupid…crazy…and in limbo.  If I am going to go insane, then let’s just do it!  Why the constant picking at the scab?  Just go batty and enjoy craziness!  Or fucking heal and get on with it…Enjoy the wonderful life that I find myself blessed with!  Why must I subject myself to torture…repeatedly…willingly?

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End of a Chapter

Looking back at the totality of Jennifer’s accident, death, and ultimately my grieving process, it is strange that my psyche knew that I could not handle the loss and delayed it…albeit 30 years.  While I went through a grieving process in 1988, it (obviously) was not enough.  Perhaps abbreviated to save my sanity.  Whatever the reasons, it seems that my mind (or soul) knew that I was not able to deal with the magnitude of this loss.  So it was delayed for almost 30 years til Jennifer reappeared in my dreams, almost like my mind was saying, “Hey, you don’t have anything important going on right now, so guess what we are going to unpack?”  I have gone through all of the typical steps and milestones associated with dealing with a loss, even with this amount of time in between.  I have been braver, or perhaps more insistent on connecting with her family.  Her sister has been wonderfully accommodating to someone that could have easily (and even justifiably) been answered with guarded hesitation.  Instead, I was met with open arms, and warmly.  And while I would call it a connection more than a relationship, it would have been inappropriate at the time due to our age differences.  I have reached out and shared the journey with friends this time around.  Some that were there at the time, others that have come aboard in the interim. They have walked with me with compassion and grace that I am not sure that I deserve.  They have been there through the tears and anger, listening, offering suggestions and encouragement.  For these, I am eternally grateful!

Now I feel that I have crossed the final milestone of grief, getting through a day without thinking of her.  While I didn’t want to believe that it would happen, a relationship must grow in order to survive.  Despite the connection we had, despite her being a first love for me, the relationship is just stagnant in time.  One can only revisit the memories so many times, while yearning for new experiences constantly, before the soul realizes that the holding pattern is not productive, not healthy.  The first time I made it through a day without thinking of her, I brushed it off.  I was not feeling well and spent most of the time that day in bed.  If I am sleeping for 18 hours in a day, that cannot possibility count, right?  I still did not want to let go!  Several days later, a full Saturday goes by with no thoughts of Jennifer until Sunday morning.  It shocked me.  It was bittersweet.  It was inevitable.  She has not met my wife, my kids.  She cannot hear (and offer advice) on the trials that I go through today.  While I cannot get the vision of her out of my mind, I also cannot imagine her in her mid-40s either.  There was so much potential unrealized in her, but that leads to so many scenarios with which to imagine.  But the world is not benefiting from her being past 16 years old.

So I come to the realization that the relationship is not growing, not developing, and really, not working without her being here. I feel somewhat bad that I have not managed into the transcendence category with her death.  She was so important to me, I truly want the world to know that she was here, but alas the chapter is closing.  The story, my story, is not ending, just moving on, because without growth, the relationship dies.  As long as I pass before my immediate family, I fully expect Jennifer to be the one to welcome me into heaven.  We can hug and catch up.  She can tour me around, and I can introduce her to my wonderful family as they journey up.  I look forward to that day of reconnecting.

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Descendance

I feel myself slipping.  I take medicines to alleviate the spiral down.  I have renewed skills in putting on the happy face…outside.  When I get home, I just want to be in bed.  It is not fair to my family.  It is not me, in the normal sense.  It is not fair or right for so many reasons.  But I cannot stop.

I really wish that I had actually gone through the grief 30 years ago!  So much was changing at that time though, I just could not deal with a devastating loss.  I buried it too well.  Now I feel pathetic for failing to deal with it when I should have, on top of the grief.

I have read so much on death and grieving that new articles that I come across are not new…just rehashes.  People get through it.  It is TOUGH, but they generally manage, emerge on an other side.  Changed, different perhaps, but they emerge.  I am not emerging.

I read stories of people that are able to dream of the person they lost.  I read stories of people that get signs from their loved ones.  Stories of going to medium’s and having the person’s spirit actually communicate with them.  The notion that the longer the time from death, the harder, the more energy it takes to communicate.  I find myself wishing I was haunted.  Was I?  Did I completely miss the signs?  Did Jen put Tammy in my life?  Has it been so long that the connection is now too difficult?  Am I too far down on the list, reaching out to family, or other friends, is more important given the energy needed?  Is it all bullshit from a wanting mind???

How does one achieve a level ‘better’ than 99% of the world’s population and still feel like a failure?  Does everyone feel worse than me?  How do they continue?  How does Joy get strung together long enough to be happiness?  I read that the key is relationships, and not necessarily a multitude, but quality relationships.  Luckily that plays easier to my personality, but what is the point when people die?  One relationship can never (and I do not expect it to) replace another, but the loss of the deeper relationships is so monumental.

Alone…How does someone in a city of 5-6 million, working in a large company, feel alone?  But it is not a recent phenomenon.  I remember feeling alone as a kid growing up.  I was never particularly outgoing, so that never helped.  I was an only child, whose parents went through divorce, and both had to work.  Pre-smartphones and video games.  I played board games by myself.  We moved frequently…starting over in schools, amongst friend groups that already existed.

Some of my most impacting revelations of lonesomeness happened around the same time as Jennifer’s accident.  Leaving my high school graduation ceremony.  Seeing everyone scatter to their different parties and family commitments afterward.  I had a party waiting at the house myself, should have been excited to get going to it, but find myself standing in the parking lot wondering what the fuck?  Alone.  Going to Kansas State after the good friend that I was supposed to room with decided to bail on college the week before starting.  Being reassigned to a room in the basement with no A/C and a farm kid that I had nothing in common with.  Alone.  Going to a movie that first semester, alone.  Then cut off from Jennifer.  No connection to her world.  Too frightened to reach out.

Others feel this lonesomeness.  I have seen it firsthand.  The first time it really appeared to me was that first semester of college.  Walking in between classes, hearing someone call out my name.  Turning to see one of my high school’s cheerleaders coming to talk to me.  Why?  We have never spoken before.  Alone.  Desiring connection to the known, the past, the familiar.  If lonesomeness is so common, and so debilitating, why do we allow it to surface?  Why do we put up with it?

I can never replace the relationship that I had with Jennifer, I get that, but why do I miss it so much?  

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