Less Judgment Should Be a Good Thing, Right?

Several years ago, as I was asked, “What is your New Year’s Resolution going to be,” and I decided that particular moment would be a good one to be a smart ass. So this combined with a need to come up with something really quick led me to: I am going to be less judgmental! Sounds good, right? Growing up we are told not to judge others and if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything and several other things that I have since forgotten. Well, the intention at the time was just to be able to answer the question, not really planning on following through. As on thought about it more the following days, I decided what the heck, I’ll give it a try.

Years and years of practice later, I think that I have done well or at least significantly improved (I mean, there was no real success metric defined upfront…). So you would think that life would be better, less stressful, after all, I am not worrying about all these things that lead to the judgment being made, not holding on to that judgment, letting it affect me as deeply. Trusting that all things will be taken care of in the Universe with the appropriate importance. WooHoo! Utopia achieved!

Except…Two issues have crept into the mix. My observation skills have suffered from lack of exercise and no one else came along for the ride.

First is my observation skills. This deficiency is becoming very noticeable when I need to really analyze people’s behavior. Things that I like to do, like poker, that are so dependent on being able to observe hints that can lead to determining an opponents strength of their hand. Sure, luck plays a role, and timing, and strategy, being able to deliver a believable lie, even getting under a person’s skin, getting them upset and on ‘tilt’. But being able to observe subtle nuances in the other players at the table and how those correlate to the player’s strength of a hand, whether the person is telling the truth or bluffing, or even if someone is going to bully because they have a large chip stack. While I consider myself a decent poker player (not World Series good, but decent enough), if my observation skills were sharper (read, used more frequently) I could be so much better.

The observation skills are also becoming more important and profound in the ability to navigate political waters at the workplace. As times get leaner and more stress brews in the workplace, being able to read people (and make judgments) is becoming more of a necessity...and here I am sucking at it. I have let it go for so long that I feel that I am behind in this ability. For so long I have just not cared. Was I taking the resolution too far, or just being selfish and narcissistic? Is there an observation crash course (playing more poker perhaps)?

The truly shocking aspect (well, to me, in my unobservant routine) was that other people did not come along for the ride. Should have seen this one coming, my five year old daughter probably could have clued in on it as it should be that obvious. But after adopting a path towards less and less judgment on your mind, when you get feedback from others (or even just overhear conversations that you may not have been intended to hear), it just seems to shock you, even sting you more. Maybe because I was less prepared or less desensitized? Maybe there is a feeling of being attacked. Perhaps…but wow, now I know why I chose to try to be less judgmental. I have a really good friend of mine that will share these gems with me on occasion. It does not happen often, and I am not sure if that is because there are only a few or if he knows that a person should not be subject to many of these at once. I TRULY believe that he means well, intends to help and enlighten me, but some of the statements just plain floor me in their brutality. I guess it is a statement to the power and trust of our friendship, that these sensitive statements can be just brought out into the open and then we are on to the next topic, but they are deep and cutting enough that I will lose sleep over them for a couple days, and rarely let them completely go. I don't store them as an attack for later, they just pop into my head at some real weird times. It seriously sucks to be the object of judgment.

So the challenge going forward is to redevelop the observation skills while avoiding the judgment. Sounds easy, huh? You try it! It is not too difficult if you dispense with both, but I think that the challenge of maintaining the observation and withholding judgment will be more difficult than the original resolution that I embarked on years ago…but it could be more profitable too.