Feedback to a Friend

I had a conversation right after a posting that I put on Facebook referencing Jen (and since deleted) with a friend.  They made a comment about the possibility of a 'spirit' being trapped in limbo if the griever does not release them (get through the grief).  The comment has been rattling around in my brain for a couple months, and not in a good way.  It hurt.  It angered me.  The message received by me was that I was harming (trapping at least) her spirit by still being grief stricken.

I wrote out a response to collect, soften, and make sure I was complete in my thoughts and reaction.  When I originally started out, it was going to be a quick comment to be sent by text.  It grew.  It was heavy.  Texting it seemed to be mean-spirited in itself, while it was not actually intended to be mean, just feedback.  I was then going to call and talk (or read it to them).  It does not allow for rebuttal comments, it is just feedback, honest feedback on feelings.  As I read through it again and again, I started to wonder where input would occur from their perspective?  If they even remember the specific offending comment, would they feel threatened, attacked?  Then I started wondering what I even expected from giving the (unsolicited) feedback?  What was my goal?  To help them when discussing grief and loss with another?  Or to say that I was hurt?  Does it matter?  Does it really change anything?  Does it even harm the relationship?

I am not sure...

But these are the type of questions that I could have gone over with Jen.

<Friend's Name>

 

As I go through the grief process (for the third time..."Slow learner" and "Stupidest smart person you'll ever meet" come to mind) I cannot help but fixate on the comment you shared with me about the possibility of a person stuck in "Limbo" if they are not released by the griever.

 

Honest feedback, as life long friends, it sucked.  Please remove it from your toolbox.  It felt mean.  It feels mean still.

 

I truly believe that it was not intended to be mean.  I am not mad at you for sharing your (potential) belief, per se.  I typically welcome it!  And I am not asking you to believe or not believe a certain way.  It is just that I am not sure this one is helpful for a person in the thorough's of grief.

 

Over the years you have dropped some tidbits of wisdom and insight into how I am perceived by the outside world.  You may not have even realized the scope of the impact when given.  They may not have been requested, sometimes even hurt, but ultimately were (are) true, and they allow me to assess and course correct.  And unfortunately, I do not know how to guide you on assessing the impact that they will have before sharing them, so I continue to welcome (even request and ask for) these nuggets of wisdom and insight, with the commitment to share when they hurt too much (and not in an angry way).  This one really hurt though.