Less Judgment Should Be a Good Thing, Right?

Several years ago, as I was asked, “What is your New Year’s Resolution going to be,” and I decided that particular moment would be a good one to be a smart ass. So this combined with a need to come up with something really quick led me to: I am going to be less judgmental! Sounds good, right? Growing up we are told not to judge others and if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything and several other things that I have since forgotten. Well, the intention at the time was just to be able to answer the question, not really planning on following through. As on thought about it more the following days, I decided what the heck, I’ll give it a try.

Years and years of practice later, I think that I have done well or at least significantly improved (I mean, there was no real success metric defined upfront…). So you would think that life would be better, less stressful, after all, I am not worrying about all these things that lead to the judgment being made, not holding on to that judgment, letting it affect me as deeply. Trusting that all things will be taken care of in the Universe with the appropriate importance. WooHoo! Utopia achieved!

Except…Two issues have crept into the mix. My observation skills have suffered from lack of exercise and no one else came along for the ride.

First is my observation skills. This deficiency is becoming very noticeable when I need to really analyze people’s behavior. Things that I like to do, like poker, that are so dependent on being able to observe hints that can lead to determining an opponents strength of their hand. Sure, luck plays a role, and timing, and strategy, being able to deliver a believable lie, even getting under a person’s skin, getting them upset and on ‘tilt’. But being able to observe subtle nuances in the other players at the table and how those correlate to the player’s strength of a hand, whether the person is telling the truth or bluffing, or even if someone is going to bully because they have a large chip stack. While I consider myself a decent poker player (not World Series good, but decent enough), if my observation skills were sharper (read, used more frequently) I could be so much better.

The observation skills are also becoming more important and profound in the ability to navigate political waters at the workplace. As times get leaner and more stress brews in the workplace, being able to read people (and make judgments) is becoming more of a necessity...and here I am sucking at it. I have let it go for so long that I feel that I am behind in this ability. For so long I have just not cared. Was I taking the resolution too far, or just being selfish and narcissistic? Is there an observation crash course (playing more poker perhaps)?

The truly shocking aspect (well, to me, in my unobservant routine) was that other people did not come along for the ride. Should have seen this one coming, my five year old daughter probably could have clued in on it as it should be that obvious. But after adopting a path towards less and less judgment on your mind, when you get feedback from others (or even just overhear conversations that you may not have been intended to hear), it just seems to shock you, even sting you more. Maybe because I was less prepared or less desensitized? Maybe there is a feeling of being attacked. Perhaps…but wow, now I know why I chose to try to be less judgmental. I have a really good friend of mine that will share these gems with me on occasion. It does not happen often, and I am not sure if that is because there are only a few or if he knows that a person should not be subject to many of these at once. I TRULY believe that he means well, intends to help and enlighten me, but some of the statements just plain floor me in their brutality. I guess it is a statement to the power and trust of our friendship, that these sensitive statements can be just brought out into the open and then we are on to the next topic, but they are deep and cutting enough that I will lose sleep over them for a couple days, and rarely let them completely go. I don't store them as an attack for later, they just pop into my head at some real weird times. It seriously sucks to be the object of judgment.

So the challenge going forward is to redevelop the observation skills while avoiding the judgment. Sounds easy, huh? You try it! It is not too difficult if you dispense with both, but I think that the challenge of maintaining the observation and withholding judgment will be more difficult than the original resolution that I embarked on years ago…but it could be more profitable too.

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Relationship Paradox

I had a good talk with my father a couple of weeks ago. One of those deep and meaningful conversations that kinda sneak up on you, where you look back and cherish it for the deepness and intimacy that occurred. I think that I may have shocked him when I said that I don’t really like people. Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? It is not really meant to come off as harsh or stand off-ish, perhaps it is just that I have difficulty relating to people. I grew up as an only child with a rather small extended family. I may not have learned to relate as well as others. Anyway, my father is the type of person that would talk to a tree. He enjoys the interaction and the stories and, well, I am not really sure what else, but I am confident that he likes people. One of the reasons that it shocked him is that he has seen me mess with someone’s head and I guess thought that I must love people since I mess with them so much. I thought that it was a bit of an odd conclusion, but maybe he is on to something. Kind of like when you are in grade school and you pick on the girl that you really secretly like because it at least gives you the opportunity to be around that person.

The ironic thing is that, recently, I have an increasing desire for relationships, the desire to connect with others. It even spans into the spiritual realm, as the church that I have begun attending emphasizes having a Relationship with God, and the pastor just recently had a sermon talking about how people were designed to be relationship based beings. The internal battle that I face is that I just don’t have the patience to deal with people. Maybe it is better said that I have zero tolerance for stupid, or distaste for imperfection (like I could aspire to my own high standards?). I have a strong perfectionistic streak that translates into a very black-and-white way of seeing the world. Perhaps it is the way I develop relationships, as I tend to have fewer friends but with much deeper connections. It takes a while to peel back the layers of me, but why? Am I afraid of being hurt, or rejected? On the surface it does not seem that these answers would hold true…but…maybe.

I remember, in school days, being the person that people could talk to about their problems or issues. I was kind of like a psychologist wannabe. I thought that it was generally because I listened and maybe, occasionally, I could offer advice or at least talk through the next steps of action with the person. (Playing chess on a human scale? I mean, I do love games and strategy.) While I could talk with people of many different cliques, I was never really attached to one. Perhaps people liked being able to talk to someone where they were not worried about the issue coming back to haunt them within their circle of friends, an outsider. I reserved judgment, and did not repeat the stories that I was told. At the time, I thought that this situation was cool, I had connections within most of the groups, but I was not committed to any one group. It is a recurring theme that defines me more and more as I examine it. I am also beginning to think that it is a copout, as I have a good working knowledge of so many things without having to commit to any particular specialization where I may not succeed or be the best, a defense mechanism as it were.

Other examples:

• I am weird, but intentionally, and probably more for shock value. Am I trying to gauge a person’s tolerance, their accepting nature, playing with them to see their reaction, or am I trying to brace myself for a rejection of who I am? They didn’t really reject the real me, just the weirdo me…

• I am smart, but most people that know me have heard me claim, “I am the stupidest smart-person that you will ever meet.” Is this truly, as I believe, that I can just take tests really well, that I can memorize and regurgitate information without having any real ability to think (the whole ‘there is no original thought’ concept belongs here, but that will have to be another post)? Or I am just trying to escape from the responsibility of being smart, trying not to disappoint when I fail at something intellectually, or if I am beaten intellectually?

• I have taken personality tests that define your type across four dimensions of personality, the result was that I am an INTJ, one of the rarer types. But deeper examination of the results shows a very middle of the road set of scores across all four dimensions. Even my personality is non-committal! One or two answers differently and I have a completely different personality.

So now what? If these conclusions are correct, of my aversion to relationships being caused by a fear of failing or of being rejected, what do I do about it? Is failing or being rejected REALLY that scary? What is really the worst that would happen if I fail or am rejected? (I mean, it has happened before and did not kill me.) More importantly, how do I guide my children down a different path so that they are more open to relationships and liking others? How does a self-identified do-it-yourself’er get help with overcoming these fears and develop more relationships? When my daughter recently started asking questions about Jesus, we started going to church. I had no business teaching her about God and Jesus, but I knew where to go for help. Where does someone go for help in learning about relationships, trusting and accepting others, committing whole-heartedly, failing with grace and accepting that it will happen?

How is it that I can get this far into the question and not develop the answer? I must really be the stupidest smart-person that I will ever meet…

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Here Comes a Large Wave

Wow, look how long is has been! I originally planned to share some thoughts, ideas, or things learned on a weekly basis. Nuggets of wisdom that I could pass on in my feeble and self-sycophantic attempt to improve the lives of others. Of course, all of this transfer of knowledge while remaining rather anonymous. On a side note, that is what “Lost in the Cracks” was supposed to be, the title of my version of the great American novel that would impart some sort of profound revelation to the readers through a carefully crafted novel that has yet to get off the ground…generally because I do not know the lesson that I want to flesh-out. However, being profound is not all that easy. (Shocking, huh?) I did not want to force the content, as it would come off as fake. I did not want to publish some vapid rambling (i.e. “I ran around the block today…and it was hot!”). Who really cares? Besides, with my likely audience of 3 people, I feel that it is better to build up the anticipation from lack of posting than to drive you away with boredom.

But ultimately, I am finding that the spirit of what I want to post and contribute is the culmination of some very (for me) distressing times. The repeating pattern seems to be shaping up as such: Something starts to nag or grate on me, it may even be subconsciously, which makes it even more fun, as I become an emotional freak-show and do not even understand why. I start to lose sleep, adopting an insomniac pattern, where I even lie in bed and just cannot get to sleep. Sometimes I can use this insomnia beneficially, and get things done with these ‘extra hours’. Sometimes that helps and then some sort of bizarre normal course resumes and the crisis-point is averted. Other times, where these great lessons emerge, the insomnia just wears on me, to the point of inducing hyper-emotionality and a ‘different’ level of consciousness. This is beyond the standard laughing silliness or spring-loaded anger that is typical from lack of sleep. It is hard to describe, but it feels like a series of events and concerns that just pile up until I am completely overwhelmed and then finally, collectively, breaks the spirit. Not having been through it, I caution to make the comparison, but it seems like the breakdown process that would happen in military basic training. Maybe I am just too stubborn in my ways and resist changing a course that I am taking until it hurts so much in continuing that I have to change to a different way just to continue in a sane fashion…All of this compounded by having my wife and kids not understanding what is going on with me and not being able to explain it to them myself. Am I protecting them by not sharing during these difficult times, or am I denying them the opportunity to help me, to learn both the lesson that I am learning as well as and deeper and more intimate knowledge about me? The question almost seems silly when I write it down, but the frustration from not understanding what I am going through or being able to offer guidance as to what I need or what will help is very real and debilitating!

The cool part is that as I emerge I tend to have found some nugget of wisdom or change in my ways that in hindsight is better (and why did it take so long to figure out?). The frustrating side is that it is neither a fast process, nor one that I understand in the beginning (or middle) phases. Both issues, patience and uncertainty or ‘greyness’ (and just now, during this writing, adding relationships to the mix, never a real strong area of mine) are ones that I need to get better with so that I can start figuring this stuff out without the intense pain that I am putting myself through.

So, to quickly get to the point, the past couple of months have been building on my roller-coaster pattern. The intensity has stepped up a bit over the past couple weeks, and the recording of the crazy ride will be coming soon. As I have somewhat hinted at above, this time there seems to be a multiplicity of issues. A path of judgments and observations (and their interdependence), a path of spirituality (and those that know me as a recovering Catholic, I can feel your questioning eyes already!), and a path of relationships (perhaps with God and fellow man).

Usually I feel better when I start writing this stuff down, I even learn from it as I write it. While I truly believe that some cool things are coming, this time, I have a feeling that I have a lot of writing ahead of me…here comes a large wave…

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