Relationship Paradox

I had a good talk with my father a couple of weeks ago. One of those deep and meaningful conversations that kinda sneak up on you, where you look back and cherish it for the deepness and intimacy that occurred. I think that I may have shocked him when I said that I don’t really like people. Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? It is not really meant to come off as harsh or stand off-ish, perhaps it is just that I have difficulty relating to people. I grew up as an only child with a rather small extended family. I may not have learned to relate as well as others. Anyway, my father is the type of person that would talk to a tree. He enjoys the interaction and the stories and, well, I am not really sure what else, but I am confident that he likes people. One of the reasons that it shocked him is that he has seen me mess with someone’s head and I guess thought that I must love people since I mess with them so much. I thought that it was a bit of an odd conclusion, but maybe he is on to something. Kind of like when you are in grade school and you pick on the girl that you really secretly like because it at least gives you the opportunity to be around that person.

The ironic thing is that, recently, I have an increasing desire for relationships, the desire to connect with others. It even spans into the spiritual realm, as the church that I have begun attending emphasizes having a Relationship with God, and the pastor just recently had a sermon talking about how people were designed to be relationship based beings. The internal battle that I face is that I just don’t have the patience to deal with people. Maybe it is better said that I have zero tolerance for stupid, or distaste for imperfection (like I could aspire to my own high standards?). I have a strong perfectionistic streak that translates into a very black-and-white way of seeing the world. Perhaps it is the way I develop relationships, as I tend to have fewer friends but with much deeper connections. It takes a while to peel back the layers of me, but why? Am I afraid of being hurt, or rejected? On the surface it does not seem that these answers would hold true…but…maybe.

I remember, in school days, being the person that people could talk to about their problems or issues. I was kind of like a psychologist wannabe. I thought that it was generally because I listened and maybe, occasionally, I could offer advice or at least talk through the next steps of action with the person. (Playing chess on a human scale? I mean, I do love games and strategy.) While I could talk with people of many different cliques, I was never really attached to one. Perhaps people liked being able to talk to someone where they were not worried about the issue coming back to haunt them within their circle of friends, an outsider. I reserved judgment, and did not repeat the stories that I was told. At the time, I thought that this situation was cool, I had connections within most of the groups, but I was not committed to any one group. It is a recurring theme that defines me more and more as I examine it. I am also beginning to think that it is a copout, as I have a good working knowledge of so many things without having to commit to any particular specialization where I may not succeed or be the best, a defense mechanism as it were.

Other examples:

• I am weird, but intentionally, and probably more for shock value. Am I trying to gauge a person’s tolerance, their accepting nature, playing with them to see their reaction, or am I trying to brace myself for a rejection of who I am? They didn’t really reject the real me, just the weirdo me…

• I am smart, but most people that know me have heard me claim, “I am the stupidest smart-person that you will ever meet.” Is this truly, as I believe, that I can just take tests really well, that I can memorize and regurgitate information without having any real ability to think (the whole ‘there is no original thought’ concept belongs here, but that will have to be another post)? Or I am just trying to escape from the responsibility of being smart, trying not to disappoint when I fail at something intellectually, or if I am beaten intellectually?

• I have taken personality tests that define your type across four dimensions of personality, the result was that I am an INTJ, one of the rarer types. But deeper examination of the results shows a very middle of the road set of scores across all four dimensions. Even my personality is non-committal! One or two answers differently and I have a completely different personality.

So now what? If these conclusions are correct, of my aversion to relationships being caused by a fear of failing or of being rejected, what do I do about it? Is failing or being rejected REALLY that scary? What is really the worst that would happen if I fail or am rejected? (I mean, it has happened before and did not kill me.) More importantly, how do I guide my children down a different path so that they are more open to relationships and liking others? How does a self-identified do-it-yourself’er get help with overcoming these fears and develop more relationships? When my daughter recently started asking questions about Jesus, we started going to church. I had no business teaching her about God and Jesus, but I knew where to go for help. Where does someone go for help in learning about relationships, trusting and accepting others, committing whole-heartedly, failing with grace and accepting that it will happen?

How is it that I can get this far into the question and not develop the answer? I must really be the stupidest smart-person that I will ever meet…